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Top Ten Reasons Why It is 2001 and I Am Not Fighting HAL in Outer Space

By Phil Trent

Date: August 23, 2001

  1. Captain Kirk still won't release the secret to the warp drive.
  2. Grey squirrels have been sabotaging our power grid (see www.deadsquirrel.com).
  3. NASA doesn't want space turned into a tourist trap.
  4. Weather-balloon powered lawn chairs only have a 16,000 ft. ceiling (see www.websitement-tm.com/darwin/content/darwin97.htm).
  5. All of our finest silicon goes to breast implants.
  6. All this talk of creating artificial intelligence seems premature as there is a shortage of intelligence in the first place. If we do ever get it, Fabio will say in the A.I. commercials "I can't believe it's not intelligence."
  7. Voice recognition still means to most people that you know the celebrity behind the voice in a commercial.
  8. We are not working hard enough to program our computers to have the capability to secretly plot humankind's extinction.
  9. All of our best computers were too busy animating movies.
  10. We are stagnated; educational methods have not improved much in 500 years, the engine has virtually been the same concept for 100 years, and we still have tooth decay.  On the other hand, these new optical mice are wonderful!

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